I have 9 months to find myself. There’s too much dead skin and now I’m waiting for the new me to drop out of the mucus in this imaginary pod.
Along the way, I think I forgot the things that made me happy and worked too hard to learn the things that “mattered” in the world around me. The things that would move me closer to my goals or make me more grounded.
Unfortunately, I think it was all about how to get – how do I say it – rich? It didn’t seem that way at the time. It was about nicer clothes, shoes that I wanted, watches that looked good to me. Being able to do things I couldn’t. I didn’t want to floss, I just wanted to feel good.
I wanted that nice fabric on my skin as I wore certain clothes. I wanted to stare at my shoes a little before wearing them. I wanted to be able to crank up the music on my speaker, headphones, car stereo, without my ears cringing. I still want these things, and I won’t stop working to get them.
But the other more silent and deeper enjoyables are what I had neglected. Staring at beautiful paintings. Eating exquisite food (at home), staring at the ocean; dancing to a new song; trying to play a new instrument, drawing, painting… the list is expansive and still growing.
I feel like now I need to throw myself at them. Like, here’s my blood. Drink it all. Let’s become one. Dramatic I know, but figuratively speaking, I am craving more depth in life. In my everyday living. A bottle of Cellar Cask and a meal at the Nook cost about the same – but I get more satisfaction from the meal at Nook and more value for money it seems with the Cellar Cask. But am I really?
Those are the questions I am asking myself. I don’t know when these thoughts started forming. Maybe it took a while, but I gave myself a date while listening to Speak For Yourself by Imogen Heap.
The year 2019. Lots happening. Including finding myself. Where are you on your journey?